It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize