i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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