So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
