I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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