I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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