thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
