never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
