My cat gives me a boner
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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