The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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