I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
