I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
