Your dad touched me again.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
