mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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