I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
