Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize