its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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