i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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