Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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