um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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