I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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