So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
