dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
