my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
