Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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