can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I need water and some morals
Randomize
