Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
