I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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