I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
