I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Randomize
