it's not cheating when I paid for it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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