So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
