I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
