Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
