ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
