He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize