I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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