I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Houston, we have a squirter
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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