I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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