I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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