Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
