You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize