I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
