This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
