My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
not ubering you a puppy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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