I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
