Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
