he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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