Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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