So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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