I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
