i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
