in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
