I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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