Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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