Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
