Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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