Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What a fucking waste of an outfit
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
