Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
