So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
