I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
